


Let's Not Fall In Love

by NoirxAnge



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Family Abuse, First POV, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Oc's POV, Relationship Issues, Third POV, best friend! Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P., celebrity life is not private, idk how good this is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 18:24:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7065157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoirxAnge/pseuds/NoirxAnge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I couldn't breathe anymore, not when the person who had been the air in my life went out of my reach.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Not Fall In Love

**Author's Note:**

> I just wrote this while I was having a feels trip so pardon me if it seems like I fantasised too much while writing.

I kissed him goodbye, all my internal organs rejecting the act of separating from him. My insides twisted, and I felt like I was deteriorating just from the thought that I was soon going a far distance away from him.

But it had to be done.

He just experienced a huge scandal: his very face, the side that only I saw, painted across pages of a well-known magazine. When I saw it on the Internet, I knew this would happen. In his words, he never wanted me to be in the public's eye. But with how famous he was, there was no doubt people would eventually find out about us being an official couple during their efforts to bring up more dirty secrets in his past. Then people would start bashing him for having a secret relationship that was generally disapproved of in society, even though we had already sought for the CEO's approval before officially dating, and question how he could stand to be in so many rumours involving many other girls when he had his partner waiting for him. And people would start pestering me, and interrogating me. He didn't want that to happen, and he made it clear to me what would happen if he experienced a big scandal since the very start.

So it's happening now. He's breaking up with me, to prevent me from suffering any backlash, to protect me. My beloved always had thought far ahead; even when he looked like he was simply enjoying his moments on the large screen, he was always thinking about the ripple effects. There was a reason why his fellow bandmates called him the business man. And for this scandal that arose, the ripple effect he could see happening, I would be put in the spotlight by his avid fans, and I would never be left in peace. They would first question his taste in partners, and then question his loyalty to me. It didn't matter to them that I gave my consent, with the conditions that he never kissed them and always came back to me in the end. They would continue to pick at every "flaw" he had, like the vultures they were.

As I put in all my emotions into that last kiss, I couldn't control it; my blue sorrow leaked out, and wet tracks travelled down my cheeks. I cradled his face as he did mine, desiring for our breaths to mingle together at least, just a moment longer. The others in the corner of the room looked away from our private moment: as much as my beloved tried, he was still very young and needed the support from the people he saw as his older brothers in order to go through with this. It warmed my heart that they loved my lover so much and assured me that, even if I wasn't around, he would still be taken care of. But a soft niggling thought remained at the back of my mind: who would care for me?

There was no time for those thoughts though; my dear was starting to cry as well, looking into my eyes deeply, biting the inside of his lower lip in an attempt to stay strong for me. A chuckle burst out of me, wet and choked up as it was.

I wiped his tears away with my thumb, kissing them away gently. "Don't cry you idiot. If you're going to break up with me, you're supposed to stay firm, not make me want to stay even more than I do now. You have to stay a strong baby you know," I joked in a hoarse voice, but it seemed to give me the opposite effect: he cried even harder, crystalline tears dropping down from his long lashes even quicker. His strong nose was red at its tip, and his dark eyes beginning to turn bloodshot with all the crying.

My heart broke into pieces; someone had pulled my beating heart out of my chest, ripping open my chest and pulling apart my rib cage to do so. As though someone started to stab my heart with a dull knife, I felt strong pains that threatened to shut down my entire body system and bring me down to my knees.

All I could do was simply hold him tighter, almost trying to force him to hide within my body. I hid his tear-streaked face in my neck, and breathed his scent in deeply, to further burn it into my mind so I had no chance of forgetting. He trembled slightly, and I heard soft, wavering repetitions of heart wrenching apologies.

I just remembered all the plans we had made together – to spend the future together. All of them were gone.

I blinked profusely, and patted his head, feeling his dark downy hair. My eyes closed as I hummed softly, swaying us together to a rhythm only we knew. "You're not a monster, you're not a cruel person. You're my Night Owl, and you're perfectly imperfect. Thank you," I choked up, and almost broke down. But I forced myself to continue, I _had_ to drive it into his head. God forbid if he thought himself guilty of all this; not all the fault laid on his shoulders.

I tilted his head up, forcing him to look straight at me and listen. I smiled crookedly, bittersweet feelings bubbling in me. "Thank you," I began again. "For making me the happiest person in the world for these few years.  For giving me your everything, and showing me the sides no one else ever got to see before, and letting me love you. I will never forget the times we had together, and I hope one day, you'll find the one that you can proudly publicly announce to the world that you love, and," I almost couldn't continue anymore, my voice wouldn't come out anymore. I gave him one last hug, "Thank you for everything you've given me."

Then I let go. I pushed him away, shivering from the lack of warmth as soon as his touch left me. I aimed another teary smile at the bewildered and hurt him, then I dragged my eyes to rest on the others. I bowed deeply, head facing the floor. They tried to make me face them, and kept saying that it wasn't necessary for me to bow. As usual, they were so kind, and their sweet considerate nature touched me every time.

Tears coloured my voice; it seemed that today was the one exception where I kept losing control over my feelings. "Thank you for taking care of me while we were together all these years. You were all very kind and caring, and I hope that you will take good care of him while I'm not here."

Not wanting to stay any longer and risk breaking down, I quickly left the room without listening to any response they might have had. I stormed out of the building, not truly seeing the people I walked past while running away. But I could feel their eyes on me, and their pity; the whole company knew about our relationship and tried to help us to keep it secret. With the scandal being so blown up, they too knew the inevitable consequences. The suffocation I could feel was killing me, I couldn't breathe. I felt claustrophobic, and eyes were haunting me: his teary eyes, the others' glossy eyes, the pitying gaze of the company's members, and the cruel glare of the public. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I just ran, and ran and ran, until I could feel the fresh air outside the doors.

I blearily wondered that I didn't know it was raining so heavily. I could hardly see the buildings across the roads, the dense rain disarming me of my sight. I could only make out the dimmed front lights of vehicles driving past, and that no one was around. Heaven's tears drenched me, soaking my whole body, and sent shivers down my spine, the cold piercing my bones.

No one was around, all that surrounded me were memories fraying at their edges, melting away with the acidic rain. No one was around to watch me break down and kneel, no one was around to witness my self-destruction as I punched the pavement with bleeding fists, no one was around to see me scream into the ground in desperation, no one was around to see my tears fall almost endlessly. _No one was around._

 _He_ wasn't going to be around anymore.

I sobbed in the stabbing rain, all alone.

And in that moment, I hated myself so much. I hated that it was me that caused him to be so restricted, unable to freely boast of his happiness, and cursed myself and God, for having me born as a male, and for having fallen in love with Lee Seung Hyun.

 

* * *

 

 

I didn't realize that after I had cried for a while, no raindrops were hitting my upper body. It was only when I had no tears left to cry, that I raised my head up enough to see that it was still raining, but not on me. I was still laying on the ground on my side, curled up, body cold. But now that I had returned to my senses a bit, I could feel a solid warmth against my upper back, and a hot hand clasping my right hand.

I stared at the person in front of me; ah, it's Dae Sung. His face was devoid of his trademark sunny smile, and was instead sombre and sad, just like he was after his accident last year. It was obvious who was behind me after I saw that Dae Sung was with me: Ji Yong and Yong Bae were always together so they were definitely with my night owl, that left only my best friend as the presence behind me. I closed my eyes again tiredly, Dae Sung's warm hand squeezing my cold one. Seung – no, Tabby – shifted behind me, and I could feel that an arm had stretched over me and his gaze on my blank face.

He gently shook me with his free hand, brushing my hair to behind my ear, his other hand propping up our shelter from the rain. "Hey, if you don't go out of the rain, you'll fall sick." I didn't care, what use was my health now? It wouldn't help anything. Then he used a sly trick. "Seungri would be upset to hear that your health suffered because of him."

As dirty as it was, it worked. There was nothing I hated more than being a burden on the people I loved, they were few enough a number that I couldn't risk losing a single one by being a trouble. I twisted my upper body to face the ground and tried to push myself up, but my arms gave out before I could. Just before I hit the rough pavement, a slim arm covered in long black sleeves scooped me up. I could hear Tabby telling Dae Sung to hold the umbrella, and felt a few drops hit me as the umbrella was passed over, and Tabby squatted down beside me, back facing me. His arms were reaching behind him towards me, and my arms reached out to cling on him around his neck, and he carried me up in a piggy-back.

It hadn't been long since he carried me like this, in fact he had done this just last week when I had hung out with the whole band while my owl had been in Japan, yet it felt like it had been years since. I supposed that this was what people meant by time distortions after a life-changing event.

With Dae Sung holding the umbrella over all three of us and Tabby walking along silently, the three of us simply stayed in a silence that was hard to determine. It must be comical to see, if anyone was even out in this rain, a tall man piggy-backing a man who's only slightly shorter, if not just as tall, while a man shorter than the two was trying so hard to shelter all of them from the rain.

After a while of listening to the sound of the rain and a strong heartbeat, I glanced at Dae Sung's face. He saw me looking, and tried to smile back, but it was so forced and unnatural that I could feel tears burning behind my eyes again. I tried choking out, "How's owl?", but cried out "Seung Hyun" hoarsely instead. I guess true feelings can never be hidden well enough. His face crumpled when I said that, and I could see his eyes becoming glossy. It must have been the light, because he never cried easily.

Dae Sung was too nice to be crying, he must always have a bright smile on his face, just as he had a bright personality. That was the only thought running through my head, as I began to chastise myself for even opening my mouth. Even if Dae and my owl were awkward at times, they still spent over 5 years together in a band, and were close as family. I couldn't even begin to imagine how he felt seeing a brother hurting so bad because of something he couldn't help. In an attempt that I knew was vain, I tried to ruffle his hair to make him avoid it playfully, but he didn't and just stayed near with a watery smile for me to play with his hair, his eyes never straying from mine.

My chest hurt too much, so I hid my face in Tabby's shoulders. If he felt wetness at his neck, he didn't show any sign of knowing, and simply continued being the solid constant.

I knew I could never be truly happy.

The other shoe would always drop.

 

* * *

 

 

Only when Tabby stopped, did I realize that we weren't at my place. The smell was homely, full of warmth and light, nothing like the stagnant atmosphere in my apartment. Here, personal touches made were blindingly obvious, with all the walls full of art pieces and collectible figurines everywhere, the complete opposite of the stagnant atmosphere and emptiness where I lived. 

I was gently let down, and Tabby guided me into his room, where he then urged me to the bathroom inside. Switching on the water heater, he sprayed me with the almost scalding water. I winced a bit, closing my eyes from the onslaught of water bullets, then slowly relaxed my body. I was surrounded by warmth and darkness, and I was safe with Tabby. I was so tired, I wanted to sleep it all away, and never wake up.

Then I started feeling guilty again. The more I thought about my own pain, the more I thought about _his_ pain. How could I concentrate on just myself when he was hurting so much more, being the one who had cut it off? Before I could go on another cycle of feelings again, I could hear Dae Sung's voice.

"Hyung, here's a towel. Is... Hae Ju hyung okay?"

It sounded muffled to me. Maybe it was because of the towel that was being used to dry my hair so forcefully. I indulged in the comfort Tabby's actions brought to me.

"Ah, he's fine. You planning to stay overnight?" His voice was as low as usual, so it was hard to detect that slight tremble, but I did. What else was there to expect from an almost life-long friendship?

Some rustling came from a slight distance away from the bathroom; maybe from the closet?

"If hyung doesn't mind," came the still uncertain voice.

I let my focus shift away from my inner despair, and listened closely to the ringtone that started to resound throughout the room.

The familiar melody of Ji Yong’s _Who You_ made me stiffen for a while, before I leaned forward and laid my forehead on Tabby’s firm chest. We all loved to use their songs for each respective Big Bang members, if only to see their embarrassment and for easier identification. For me, they used the melody of _The Ocean Where I Belong_ , because my name meant the ocean’s pearl. I allowed myself to eavesdrop on Dae Sung and Ji Yong’s conversation as Tabby dried me like he would a pet, because I needed to know how my night owl was doing. I didn’t want to let my mind wander to the other reason, but I failed.

_What if Ji Yong and Yong Bae started to hate me too, for hurting their dear maknae?_

A beep; “Hello, hyung?”

…

“Un, Hae Ju hyung’s fine right now. We found him pretty quick after he ran – yeah, I know. Seung Hyun hyung is helping him right now.

“… How’s Seungri?” Dae Sung’s voice quietened at the name, as though he was trying to prevent me from overhearing. I wish my own hearing wasn’t this good as well, because I knew the answer would break me.

“What? He tried to – but hyung, you both managed to stop him right? *a sigh of relief* Okay, then I guess that’s good.”

Before I could panic at the sudden shout, the lights in the bathroom were switched off as Tabby began to free me from my soaked clothes. He successfully diverted my attention away, as I stood perfectly still in my spot where no light could reach while my body was exposed to be seen.

“I think he should be staying here, wait let me check with him,” Dae Sung walked back into Tabby’s bedroom, his free hand covering the speaker of his phone. He knocked on the bathroom door where Tabby was starting to dry and dress me in the dark, eyes away from us two in courtesy. “Hae Ju hyung, where are you going to stay at?” came his soft question.

I hadn’t thought this far yet. It was obvious that I had to move out from where I used to live with my partner, but I hadn’t gotten the chance to think about that yet. While I stayed quiet, thinking of an answer, Tabby’s low voice sliced through the air, “Ju’s staying with me here.” His quick, firm answer allowed no room for arguments, so I just nodded at Dae Sung when his eyes glanced to me for confirmation.

He gave me another sad smile, and returned to his call while the tallest idol stuffed me into his sweater. For some reason, I could no longer hear Dae Sung’s conversation with Ji Yong after Tabby dressed me. Maybe he left the house? My best friend made sure I had no time to think about such things though, he knew how my mind worked, and how I loved to “torture myself” as he had once described my personality.

Once Tabby made sure I was comfortable, he pushed me into his bed, where he laid down with me, hugging me from the back, his arms encircling my waist. My eyes slowly slid shut as I synced my breathing to be the same as the steady heartbeat behind me, and tears slowly streaked down as I heard a soft whisper (“I’m sorry I couldn’t stop this”) and descended into a world between darkness and light.

When I felt a dip in the bed in front of me and a head digging into my chest, I just ruffled the soft hair, and fully dived into Morpheus’ embrace, heart slightly appeased by the cuddle pile.

I didn’t dream that night.

**Author's Note:**

> PS, the song "The Ocean Where I Belong" is momocashew's work of art, go check it out on YouTube! I think it's hauntingly beautiful!


End file.
